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Saturday, 13 December 2008

A Weekend at Home

I've been home for a few days now from school. It's been good. I have worked the past two days, spilling all of my energy out on kids who need help following directions to simply be quiet while the teacher is talking. After those days of work, I have had the privilege to spend some time with the boy who is rapidly stealing my heart. It has been such a wonderful time for me. Last night we went thrift store adventuring, downtown to eat, Walmart, looked at Christmas lights, and then watched a movie on the couch. Time with him is something that I have found to be so appreciated. I see him only every once and a while. But those times with him are wonderful. Looking at Christmas lights was so much fun. We laughed at them more than we admired them. "Well there's Satan's house there!"(talking about houses with red lights- and if that is you, I'm sorry if that offended you). Needless to say, I laughed. We also saw Santa chilllin in the bushes, LED creepy lights, and terrible combinations of multi colored lights, white lights, red lights, blow up Santa, snowmen, and other random characters. It wasn't pretty, but we laughed.

And today, I went to a wedding. It definitely the coolest wedding I have ever been to. The decorations were not flowers, but dead trees, with pearls and snowflakes and candles hanging down from them with white paper lantern's. The wedding party wore Toms instead of dress shoes and needless to say the bride was beautiful. I cried a lot during the ceremony. I think about the day when it will be my day to walk down the isle in a white dress. A lot of things run through my head about whether or not I am even worthy of a man who can lead me spiritually and will take me for all that I am. I am not exactly the purest girl in the world, but I rest in the fact that Christ made me pure. "though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are as red as crimson, they shall be like wool."-Isaiah 1:18 And then I start to think about the woman and the wife that I hope to be someday. A woman grounded in the Word of God, assured in her faith and disciplined. A woman who is loving and hospitable, generous and selfless. And most of all, I want to be a woman who loves the Lord way more than a man. I don't really do any of those things well yet, but one day, that is the woman I want to be.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Currently
You & the Evening Sky
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I have been challenged in ways that I never thought possible this semester. WIL group leader, challenging, yes, but not as challenging as living with someone who doesnt know Jesus. I have had conversations that I never thought I would ever have to have. And, I've cried over this girl, with tears of compassion and burden. I am so burdened knowing what will fix and satisfy her brokeness and needs. She's been told, but she doesn't accept the gift so precious.
So, I am burdened. I cry and hope the Lord will make it clear to her what He is about, grace, peace,mercy, freedom. But I have neglected to spend quality time in prayer for her. I have neglected my God in joining this plan, and have seen my patience and passion fade. Christ is first and foremost my source of love and compassion. For me to put him aside for a while is not just hurting me because my passion and joy is low and my body just doesn't create what the Lord can in me.
And through all of this, I have taken a lot of thought into the woman I want to be. I want to serve and love. I want to be hospitable and fun. I want to be a source of encouragement to those around me and I want to be modest and humble. I want to be bold and I want to be thoughtful. I want to be a solid wife one day, and a compassionate mother. I want to know my Lord intimately and be a wise woman in Christ. That is who I want to be. So, I must start today and let the Lord prepare me, because I can't do any of that with my own two hands.

Friday, 07 November 2008

My heart goes out to the girl who feels as if a boy will be the thing that will fully satisfy her very being and give her place in this world. She is the girl who states that a boyfriend is an object of need, not want. She holds on to simply the good in each potential male, letting a small piece of beauty cover the disgust that boy actual holds. She feels that sex is comfort and make-out sessions with a random boy is all in a nights work. She pursues the him. She is not patient in letting the guy seek her. She throws away all self respsect in hopes that respect will in return be given back, when in reality, her pride is just taken away and joined in the trash with respect. She doesn't see her beauty, and she really is beautiful. And then, she sits and dwells on who she is not. She has no hope, for Jesus is not the man who holds her tight when things get tough. I pray she finds that warmth, the comfortable embrase of the Father.

Monday, 03 November 2008

Let us dance for You

My day started out with an early wake up and a half hearted "quiet time". I basically just looked for a verse that was going to look good in a card. Seriously.
Then, I wasted 3 hours of my day to finally come to a place where I would start on my Microsoft Access project. I have no idea what I am doing on it, and for some reason today, the stress of that plus a list of other things I need to get done become more than stress. Anxiety. Tears. Frustration.
I cried over Access.
And then tonight, I head to my WIL group leader meeting. The meeting is done, we all get back in the car, a friend of mine sits next to me, i look at her, and she is sobbing. I have no idea what the tears were for, but they were tears of emotional pain. And all of a sudden, Access had no meaning.
None of this matters. "Do not work for food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life,which the Son of Man will give to you, for on Him the Father, God, has set His seal." John 6:27
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So, then I began to think.
I sit and worry (usually pretending I don't, because I know that I'm not 'supposed' to) about such petty things. I dont want to worry. I want to DANCE for the Lord. Sing his joys and be glad! We ended our ASC meeting with a song tonight. "I'm so madly in love with You, yes I'm madly in love with You. May what we do in here fill the streets out there. Let us dance for You. Let us dance for You." Man, I want to dance.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

I am so comfortable with hiding the issues of my life to make sure everyone else around me is comfortable. Yes, I have joy, a joy that can only be found through Jesus, the Jesus that gave me life and freedom and love. And yes, for the most part, I am a happy girl. I am so blessed with family, friends, a wonderful boyfriend, a great place to live, and support from all over. But I hold some hurt within me that I sometimes am afraid to let out. I feel like if I tell someone, I will be a burden to them, and the people pleaser inside of me wants to have nothing that deals with making others uncomfortable. So, I hide. I put on my concealer, bronzer and mascara to hide behind the make up. I am learning that I do hide behind it. I don't feel pretty without it. And with that, I am just being honest. I am not saying this for compliments, for a compliment will only temporarily feel good. I am saying that for freedom. Last year when I was debating becoming a WIL group leader, I talked to mine to see what she thought. And she told me that because I was pretty I would be a good leader, because people follow pretty people. That comment made me feel very uncomfortable. I of course love to be told that, but to be told that I would be a good leader soley based on bone structure made me feel superficial. I felt like I had to make sure I looked good to have any impact. I knew and still know very well that God created me just as he wanted and God's creation is beautiful, but for some reason when the shower washes me clean, I feel like it washes away my source of beauty as well. So, today I wore no make up or fixed my hair. I am wearing a wrinkly shirt that is too big for me and a pair of running shorts that don't match the shirt in any form or fashion. But this is me. Frizzed hair and dark circles under the eyes. I also am getting a stye, leaving my right eye just a little bit swollen. And today I went to the Lord with this struggle with beauty and asked him to take my inadequate view and turn it into the beauty of the Lord. "And I will declare the beauty of the Lord. Nothing compares to the beauty of the Lord. Jesus your love, it takes my breath away and now I'm living every day for the beauty of the Lord."

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

This morning I woke up, tempted to blog about how "great" my life was at the moment. Everything has been super exciting and clearly filled with the Lord's grace and power and freedom. And an hour later I get a grade back of a 62 on a project I worked really hard on. It's just a project, but I was kind of dissapointed. Then I remembered I forgot to have my WIL group make shirts for retreat. Once again, its JUST a shirt, no one is going to be naked without it, but for some reason stress filled up within me and worry was produced, all over a tee shirt. Then I realized I had to plan a party for my roommate and still study for a test I hadnt studied for. I became overwhelmed. I forgot about the power of God for a bit, and my world quicly spun into insecurity and weakness. I'm sorry to all who incountered my hopelessness today.